Anneli SöderlundAnneli Söderlund

Måste man sörja?

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Jag får en massa känslor när jag ser att släkting håller på att gå bort. Jag känner sorg, tomhet, saknad & ömhet samtidigt känner jag ett kallt "jahapp".  Personen i fråga är min farfar som inte funnits i mitt liv på mer 21 år. Det mesta jag kommer ihåg är röklukt, korsord & alkohol. Dom sakerna i sig ger mig en känsla av förakt.

Sen att han är min fars far ger mig känslor av besvikelse, ilska & svek. Huija vad märkligt det känns. Allt detta påminner mig om en massa tråkiga saker som mitt liv har innehållet och det gör att jag känner styrka för att jag är den jag är, tack vare alla dessa tråkigheter. Jag är starkare än alla tillsammans i den sida av släkten som gjort mig illa.

Jag förstår och vet att det finns människor i den släkten som önskar att dom handlat annorlunda och det enda jag har till svar är, jag är här. Ett mail, ett sms bort men det är tyst. Så, jag väntar inte, jag slutade att vänta för flera år sen. Men just nu  tänker jag, känner jag, önskar jag och vill jag. Fast, ändå inte. Märkliga känslor. Jag undrar vad han tänker och känner... Jag undrar vad dom tänker och känner... Jag låter detta inlägg vara offentligt, det handlar ändå om ett förflutet som jag inte skäms över.

En tanke som poppar upp när jag tänker på människorna som jag skriver om ovan är att blod behöver absolut inte vara tjockare än vatten. Det har jag fått bevis på otaliga gånger. Jag behöver inte sörja en för mig okänd människa när han går bort, men jag kommer att sörja den tid som han lät försvinna, åt hans vägnar och dom som kommer att sörja honom.

Så är det.

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Mormor MargS

Vad du är klok, min älskling!

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Anneli Söderlund

Tack bästa mormor

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ylq

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